Wanted: Svengali

Please be frank with me. It’s pretty obvious that I secretly want to be a comedian, right? I’ve never admitted it out loud and to be honest I don’t think I ever would for fear of being ridiculed. By comedians. Some of whom I’ve slept with.

And comedians, as a people, frighten and entice me more than anyone else could.

You see, my dating habits are similar to Picasso and his periods. I’m usually drawn to men based on what they do and how they do it. Dating men gives me insight into a world I would have never understood or have been too lazy to participate in otherwise.

So far, I’ve gone through my musician period, my animator period, my model period, my artist period, my unicycler period, my filmmaker period, my pro skater period, and for the last two years, my comedian period. It’s my longest period to date (teehee) and it really doesn’t seem to be getting old.

And I’m starting to wonder if there’s something more to it for me than just getting laid.

What I like about comedians is that they’re just like me: Incredibly antisocial and just a little off. Except, unlike me, they’re forced to deal with crowds of people regularly. That’s the part of being a comedian that turns me off, which is why I’d never do stand-up.

What I also like about comedy is that you get to use your brain to make other people feel good. It’s like being a prostitute but with more mind control and less selling your body.

Since I don’t want to do stand-up but I do want to do comedy, somehow, I thought the easiest way of going about this would be to find a Svengali. Someone who’s already a name but wants to establish power and control over a young, relatively attractive, malleable woman.

They can take advantage of me as much as they want, so long as they give me some leverage in their world. Kind of like riding their coattails, but with more sinister undertones.

Anyhow, here’s a list of my dream Svengalis, their pros and cons and the odds of them actually taking this position.

Sarah Silverman

Pro: Every single interview I’ve heard with Ms. Silverman lately, she talks about how she doesn’t know what she’s going to do next, now that she’s accomplished anything worth accomplishing. So why not be a Svengali? I know she’s got the time.

Con: She’s a straight woman so there’s very little chance she’d have any interest in this kind of power dynamic.

Odds:  1/50,000

Marc Maron

Pro: This guy is already in my brain. Literally and figuratively. Literally, because I listen to his podcast, WTF, on my big red headphones while I walk to therapy, and figuratively, because everything that comes out of his mouth, I’ve already felt or thought about at least three times that day.

Con: See Pro.

Odds: 1/2

Kelly Oxford

Pro: This lady’s stock is hot right now. She’ll probably soon go Hollywood and, in turn, need to quench her thirst for power. Plus, she’s a fellow Canadian. Plus, I can kind of see her swinging both ways. (Even though I don’t. But I would for her.)

Con: Not technically a comedian. Too maternal.

Odds: Disqualified.

Todd Barry

Pro: The first time I saw Mr. Barry perform was at the Vogue in Vancouver a few years ago. He was doing great until a heckler started with him. Then, skillfully and effortlessly, he took it to the next level. I had never seen anything so masterful in my life. He somehow managed to inspire the whole 2,000 seat theatre to heckle the heckler, which eventually turned into a chant of “KICK HIM OUT” and then a victorious eruption of applause when the fucking dick was escorted out. It was beautiful. I remember looking up at Mr. Barry on stage and thinking “Wow. One day, I want him to own me.”

Con: Since then, I’ve sent Mr. Barry letters of adoration, praise and marriage proposals, only to be politely rejected.

Odds:  1/1,000,000

Am I missing anyone? Let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me at write@eliannalev.com, ’cause you know what? I love hearing from you.

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