I was recently reminded of the one thing in life that I am still managing to master: that is, of course, being single.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert on something. Well take that number and up it a bunch. That’s where I’m at.

Yup, I still got it. And I’m reminded of that fact every time I have to coach and guide my recently single friends through the initial trauma they experience while transitioning through this much pitied and constantly avoided way of life. It takes smugness to a whole new level.

Take for example, my guy friend who I recently had dinner with. He’s a few months out of a 10-year marriage. While eating our mac n’ cheese on a patio in the neighbourhood, we couldn’t help but listen in on what was obviously a first date going on right behind us.

The guy, whose personal motto was likely something along the lines of “looking out for number one,” was yammering on and on about his first tattoo. A tribal one on his arm. That somehow segued into the Rwandan genocide. (“Speaking of tribes, did you ever hear about the Tutsis and Hutus?”) Then it was back to the stories of his other tattoos.

My friend and I stopped talking so we could listen in on the table behind us.

“There’s no way this guy’s getting laid,” I whispered to my friend.

When I walked by the couple on the way to the washroom, I was surprised to see the girl fully enthralled as the guy talked at her. Guess it’d been a long time since she’d gotten out.

As we left the restaurant, my newly single friend declared that he would never have to endure such a seemingly pitiful first date. That’s because he’d crafted the perfect deal-breaker question, which would weed out any potential duds and ultimately save him time.

Although I normally wouldn’t encourage this kind of tactic, I was interested to hear what his newly single and thus severely underdeveloped single person perspective on dating would be.

“I’m just going to ask her if she likes videogames,” he said with an air of self-satisfaction that made me believe he actually thought this was a valid, deal-breaking question. “Because if she doesn’t, it’s never going to work out.

This guy had a lot to learn. And the only way he was going to learn, unfortunately, was through first-hand experience. Embarrassing, terrible first-hand experience that would probably involve many evenings of tribe/tribal tattoo small talk.

That’s the kind of time you have to put in to become an expert.

*

Another (nameless) friend who recently ended a long-term relationship decided to slowly get back into dating by going online. There was one guy in particular that she was really taken by and seemed to have a good rapport with. But he lived a few hours away and they hadn’t met in person.

When I was talking to her the other day, she remarked how the Internet had really changed the dating game.

She told me to ask her any question about this guy, as there was a good chance she’d know the answer, based strictly on how much time she’d spent researching him.

“Where did he go to school?” I said.

“Crescent High,” she said without missing a beat. “Graduating class of 1995.”

“Who’s his best friend?” I said.

“William Crestford. Or Jay Singh. I’m not exactly sure, they’re both in a lot of his photos. But definitely one of the two, or if not, both of them,” she said without hesitation.

She then confessed that she’d been spending a lot of time creating fantasies of the time they’d spend together.

“He’s met my family, including my grandparents, we’ve gone on a road trip to Montreal and he’s taken me to see his nephew’s Christmas pageant,” she said.

Let me explain: This is very typical behaviour for someone who hasn’t put in the time. You meet someone you have a connection with and all of a sudden you’ve created a life together. Nothing is happening in real life though. It is all entirely in your head.

It’s actually a form of delusion and lots of newly single people experience it.

It takes you away from your reality…your sad, single person reality…and plants you somewhere warm and cozy and happy. Happy times that haven’t existed yet.

That is your thrill. That is your warmth. That is your delusion.
Having experienced this many, many times, I warned my friend to be aware of how ahead of herself she was in this (non) relationship. That what she was experiencing was pure fantasy. That she should be aware that what imaginary person symbolized to her, was love. A love that was clearly lacking in her life.

“Well, I like what I know of him so far,” she said, a bit annoyed with my reality check. “I’m sure we’ll hit it off.”

“Despite the fact that you haven’t even gone on a real date yet,” I said, “at least you’ve started to put in the hours.”

Okay readers. Let’s hear your smug single stories. Email me at write@eliannalev.com or leave a comment below.

Hi.  You’ve reached Elianna Lev…I’ll be on a mental sabbatical for the next two weeks. Please feel free to review a short writing exercise I did with my best friend Chris… or leave a message after the beep.

The following  are a series of super embarrassing excepts I found in my best friend Elly’s journal. I mean…DIARY.

Signed,
Chris Jacot.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                                    July 1, 2010

It’s been a while…. How are you? Are you feeling better than last week?… umm? That was a funny thing on Tuesday, no? Although I wish I hadn’t bruised myself so badly.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                                    July 2, 2010

You make me CRAZY sometimes…

—

Dear Diary,                                                                                    July 5, 2010

Sometimes I wish you were a little more understanding. I mean, you’re just so…ughh.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                                    July 6, 2010

I hate to tell you, but you’re really boring.
No offense, but you’re really boring sometimes.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                                    July 8, 2010

Please do not leave yourself around my apartment.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                            July 8, 2010 10:30 p.m.

…and my dog has a boyfriend and I don’t. My fucking dog has a fuzzy boyfriend. And I don’t.

Diary?… will you? Say yes, please.
Xoxo

—

Dear Diary,                                                                          July 8, 2010 11:15 p.m.

Have you seen my jeans?

—

Dear Diary,                                                                           July 9 2010, 2:15 a.m.

I’m exhausted… I know I should update my Facebook status but I so don’t feel like it. I just want it to be you me and a bottle of Baha Rosa.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                July 9, 2010  4:00 a.m.

I just met someone really interesting online. He’s going to take me on vacation.

…somewhere warm I hope.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                        July 27, 2010

You’re the only thing I have.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                        Aug 2, 2010

I know we haven’t spoken for a while but I just wanted you to know…I am deeply upset with you. Your behaviour has been unacceptable in my books. (Get it? My books!) Sometimes I think you’re just, like,… NOT EVEN FUCKING LISTENING TO ME!

It’s really frustrating to live with.

And I just wanted to be honest. Because if this is going to work out, we have to allow some breathing room. I can’t breath around you, diary.

You suffocate me.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                                    Aug 7, 2010

It is about me, all right!  It’s about me. All! About! Me!

—

Dear Diary, Dear Diary, Dear Diary, Dear Diary,            Aug 15, 2010

How many times do you want me to say it? I love you. I fucking love you.

….

I have to go.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                        Aug 20, 2010

Yikes… I was really drunk last night…I hope that comes out.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                        Aug 21, 2010

Wanna know what I’m wearing?… It’s purple. It’s lacey. And it’s got little clips that can be unclipped….if you know what I mean.

—

Dear Diary,                                                                        Aug 24, 2010

Last night was AMAZING!! Uhhhh.
You have an affect on me like no other diary…
I wish this moment could last forever.