Dear Self Five Years Ago,

It’s recently occurred to me that the last time I asked myself “where will you be five years from now” was five years ago. So here I am, checking in and letting you know how you’re—er , I’m doing.

I’m not going to ask how you’re feeling at this point, because I remember very well. You feel absolutely fucking dismal. You’ve just broken up with your first love, your longest relationship and you’re currently experiencing some of the worst heartbreak you’ve ever felt. It sucks big sweaty balls that he lives a few blocks away in your old apartment with his new girlfriend. Trust me, I remember how much it sucked big sweaty balls. I remember how much it consumed you. It all ended without much resolution or closure and you’re feeling very lost and so very heartbroken. It’s a shitty place to be. You feel things intensely and things are pretty bad right now. I remember. More than anything, you want to be indifferent but I’ll be honest with you: It will take a while. But the good news is it will come eventually. People keep telling you that all it takes is time, and you keep wondering why there can’t be an exact date so you can look forward to it. I promise you that five years from now, this pain will be long over. You will learn to be indifferent.

Right now, as in five years ago, you are just starting to learn how to be fully independent for the first time in your life. You will love it. You are living alone, in your own apartment, with your own stuff…which is basically just a second hand mattress and some clothes. No real difference from a hobo bindle, right? I know you don’t have much right now as all your stuff belonged to your ex-boyfriend, but trust me, you’ll acquire cool shit. It certainly helps to have a gay interior designer friend who passes on his amazing leftovers to you. Right now, as in five years later, about 80 per cent of your apartment is furnished by him. And it looks fabulous.

You will no longer be working as a hard news reporter, though it was fun while it lasted. You’ll be, forgive the clichés, following your heart, chasing your dreams, and doing what you were probably meant to be doing a long time ago. It’s a lot of work and a lot of uncertainty but it feels right and that’s the only thing that matters. It might be hard to understand now, five years ago, but trust me. You’ll be happy.

I hate to tell you this but five years later, you’re still a fucking mess when it comes to dating and boys. You still give too much of yourself too quickly and you still don’t want to learn any better. I’m not sure what it will take to change you but at least you’re coming to accept your flaws. Maybe that’s something I need to start figuring out for the next time I check in on myself, five years from now.

You will learn many lessons in the next five years. One of them is not to eat at Vera’s Burger Shack. They will give you your first case of serious food poisoning. It will not be fun. Another important lesson you will learn is to only surround yourself with people who make you feel good. You will distance yourself from a few people you put your trust in and a few will distance themselves from you. It will hurt, some more than others, but know that it’s never about you. You continue to try and be a good person.

The best thing that will happen to you in the next five years is that you will finally get a dog. It will be one of those things that happen thanks to a combination of perfect timing and complete magic. Her name is Dutchie and she will show you what true love is all about. Well deserved, I’d say.

Anyhow, self five years ago,  this is starting to feel a bit schizophrenic so I just wanted to reassure you that you’re on the right path. Enjoy your time and be kind to yourself. It’s easy to forget that.

Yours always, obviously,

Me