Not Everyone is as Honest as You: How to be a columnist

I’m not sure if this is obvious, but I really want to be a columnist when I grow up. It’s something I’ve always wanted to be ever since I could read with my own opinion.

The first columnist I ever fell deeply in love with was Bruce LaBruce. He’s a gay art pornographer/photographer/man about town who used to write a weekly column in Toronto’s Eye Magazine and a monthly one in Exclaim. He’d write openly about the guys he was shagging, the artists he was hovering up heroin with and the C to B-list celebrities he was photographing naked.  For a high school girl who desperately wanted to be “cool” and “edgy” but had no clue how, this was my lifeline. It was like what Cobrasnake is now to Middle America youth who have little access to coke parties.

When I lived briefly in London at the end of the 90s, I became completely enthralled by a column in what I believe was the Saturday Times of London magazine (this was a long time ago and my memory is rusty). It was called something like “Never Trust” and each week it would talk about an archetypical person to avoid. Girls who are best friends with their mother. A man with long fingernails. It was always cleverly written and so satisfying to read. I wish my Google skills were better so I could retrieve these decade-old gems.

The next columnist to win my heart was the Globe’s Leah McLaren. Basically, she was better than the National Post’s Rebecca Eckler. I read them both regularly, but found Leah to be way more likable. Though I can’t say I related to either of them. I was fascinated with Rebecca’s vapid voice,  inane subject matter, and her extreme smugness. She wrote about her love of rotisserie chicken and how she wanted to be extra skinny. And I read most of it, start to finish. After all, her stories got more feedback than anything that actually mattered in the newspaper.

Leah was obviously catering to a different crowd and always appeared to be well read, which I respected. I remember one of my journalism profs referring to both of them as “the Disco Queens of the newsroom” and thinking “that’s not a bad thing, is it?” I knew they were both on to something, even if they weren’t terribly respected for what they wrote at the time.

Last month, I went on a press tour with a wonderfully warm, vibrant, and hilarious writer named Lorraine Sommerfeld. She started writing at the age of 40. After she got laid off from another desk job, she went to talk to the people at the Hamilton Spectator.  They were revamping and desperately needed a parenting columnist.  Seven years later, she is writing two syndicated columns, both of which appear in the Toronto Star. I called her up to ask for some advice on being a good columnist.

Here’s what she said:

Know What You Want
“The first step is admitting that you want it.  A lot of people, especially women, have a hard time admitting it. We have to sharpen our elbows and just say that’s the deal.”

Say Yes to Everything
“As soon as you start making excuses, they will find someone else. Say yes and stop being scared of everything because it’ll open doors like you wouldn’t believe.”

Your Ass is on the Line
“You’re saying ‘I’. You have to watch your facts just like a real journalist but you also have to be prepared to defend your feelings, which journalists don’t have to do.”

Be Careful Who You Write About
“I have a sister who I haven’t talked to in 10 years and I’ve never mentioned her in my column. I never mention my ex-husband in my column. It’s easier not to give someone a handhold to come get pissed at me.”

Not Everyone is as Honest as You
“I’m willing to take the shots and admit that things have hurt me or that something has scarred me. I can speak pretty openly and people find that bond and they like it. But I have to realize that if I say something about someone else, that person is going to get sucked into a vortex pretty quickly .”

People are Going to Want You to Fix Their Problems
“Putting a strong line in the sand–that was a learning process for me. If you’re going to write openly and honestly and be vulnerable, people are going to try and glom onto you. At first you’re happy you’re affecting people but after a while you have to get tougher and push them back. But wish them the best of luck.”

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