How to open a pickle jar when you’re single

There are moments as a single person, when the world stops for a second and makes you realize how shitty being single can be. I’ll recount the one moment that stands out the most for me. It was during a bowling trip and I was the only single person amongst three couples. This threw the numbers off so we divided into teams based on sex: boys against girls. I was also the only person there with a camera as I usually bring one with me wherever I go. It was a lot of fun (the girls won) until it got to the end of the night and I somehow assumed the role of designated couples photographer. I kept being asked by my couple friends to take pictures of them posing and kissing together and it made me feel gross. I mean, what else would a single girl hanging out with a group of couples be good for? Holding beers and umbrellas, I’m sure.

I’ve been telling this story to a lot of my friends lately because suddenly, it seems like everyone is newly single. And by everyone, I mean people who you’d never expect to see single again. People in long-term relationships and marriages, people who are completely out of touch with how to think and behave in their new-found life.  So they’re all calling me, of course, and asking “um, what the fuck do I do now?”

I decided to contact a group of my expert single friends to round up a few pointers on what my newly single friends can expect in their new life. Because seriously, Sex in the City gets old quick.

You don’t answer to no one – This was surprisingly the most common response. Now that you’re single, you don’t have to call anyone to tell them what time you’ll be home when you’re hanging your head out of a stretched pink limo yelling “whoo hoo!” You don’t have to stop playing World of War Craft after 10 p.m. because someone has to get up early the next day. You don’t have to share closet space or do someone else’s laundry or compromise on movie selections or compromise on anything. There you go. No compromise! Because there’s no one to compromise with but yourself. So get used to that. It’s all about you now. Start figuring out how you feel about things as a whole because that’s all that matters. Some call this freedom. Others call it hell. Your choice.

Learn new skills you never wanted to learn – If you’re lazy like me, you’re kind of fucked.  Or at least you have a lot of adjusting to do. You’re probably used to having someone there to always do things for you like hang a shelf, put on a duvet cover or open a jar of pickles.  Also, someone you can bring to social events so you don’t have to go alone and be forced to actually talk to people. Well, now’s the time to learn how to do things you never wanted to learn. Alone. It’s humbling and frustrating but be thankful for things like friends and the Internet because those are good places to start learning new skills. Also, once you get good entering a room alone, you’ll see how quickly people are drawn to you. But it takes time and practice, and most of all, good posture.

Good morning heartache– There is a fine line when you’re newly single and you want to get boned. (Or pooned, if you’re a guy. I just made that word up.) You probably aren’t used to your lover not wanting to stick around for snuggy wuggiez after they’ve climaxed but just understand that this isn’t unheard of in Singledom Sity. It’s okay to treat another person as a sex toy with a pulse, so long as you’re all on the same page. And if you are mature and able to communicate, then try to get this message across early on. If you’re immature and not very good at communicating, then get used to chasing after one night stands in bars, trying to get them to understand how you’re feeling, as they run fast in the other direction. I’ve totally been there. It took a few years to be able to laugh about it.

Farting – Do it. All the time. As loud as you want. And revel in the smell. It’s all yours.

Thanks to everyone who contributed their two cents on the up and downside to being single. Am I missing anything on either side? Please leave a comment or email me at write@eliannalev.com

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